feeling out of place can trigger them to take action. These parts act out of love and a strong drive to protect us; however, the strategies they use—while helpful when we were children—often create more problems than they solve in adulthood.
Common Protective Strategies
Our protectors employ various strategies to shield us from feelings of shame, helplessness, or rejection. Here are a few examples of common protective strategies that many people experience:
Perfectionism: One common protective strategy is striving to be flawless. The part that drives perfectionism believes that if we never make mistakes, we can avoid criticism or shame. It pushes us to work hard, but it often leaves us feeling exhausted, anxious, and stressed.
People-Pleasing: For some of us, parts have learned that pleasing others and seeking approval is the best way to avoid feeling rejected or excluded. These parts prioritize other people’s needs over our own, often to the point of burnout. This strategy may keep us safe from rejection temporarily, but it can erode our sense of self-worth in the long run.
Self-Criticism: Ironically, some protectors use self-criticism as a way to avoid external criticism. The inner critic believes that by pointing out our flaws before others do, it’s shielding us from the pain of being judged. However, constant self-criticism can erode confidence and foster a cycle of self-doubt.
Avoidance: Some protectors simply avoid situations where we might feel inadequate or vulnerable. This part may steer us away from relationships, opportunities, or challenges, convinced that it’s better to stay safe than to risk failure or rejection. While this may feel protective in the short term, it can lead to missed opportunities and isolation.
Each of these parts has developed a specific strategy to protect us, even if it isn’t always effective. They believe their efforts are keeping us safe, and because they’re so focused on avoiding vulnerable feelings, they may not see the negative impact their strategies are having on our lives.
Why Protective Strategies Backfire
While these parts mean well, their strategies often create additional challenges. Perfectionism can lead to burnout, people-pleasing can cause resentment, self-criticism can damage self-esteem, and avoidance can limit personal growth. The problem is that these parts are so focused on avoiding uncomfortable emotions that they don’t realize the costs of their actions.
In fact, their avoidance strategies can reinforce the very insecurities they’re trying to prevent. For example, a perfectionistic part might lead us to feel even more inadequate if we can’t meet its high standards. Or, a part that avoids relationships to prevent rejection might leave us feeling even more isolated and unworthy. Because these parts are often stuck in the past, they’re unable to recognize that we’re capable of handling vulnerability as adults.
How IFS Helps Heal Our Insecurities
Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a compassionate approach to working with these protective parts, helping us address insecurities at their roots. Instead of trying to ignore or “fix” our insecurities, IFS encourages us to listen to and understand the parts of ourselves that have been working tirelessly to protect us. Here’s how:
Identifying and Befriending Our Protectors: IFS begins with noticing and acknowledging our protective parts. Rather than judging ourselves for our behaviors, we approach these parts with curiosity. For example, if we notice perfectionistic tendencies, we can pause and ask, “What are you trying to protect me from?” This curiosity opens the door for a compassionate dialogue.
Understanding the Vulnerable Feelings Underneath: When we get to know our protective parts, we often uncover the deeper, vulnerable emotions they’re shielding us from. We may discover that our people-pleasing part is protecting us from a deep-seated fear of rejection, or that our inner critic is trying to prevent us from feeling shame. IFS helps us access these tender parts with compassion, so we can begin to heal these old wounds.
Allowing Self-Leadership to Emerge: In IFS, our true Self—our calm, confident, and compassionate core—has the capacity to lead our inner system. When we connect with our Self, we can reassure our protectors that we’re capable of handling uncomfortable emotions. This allows these protective parts to relax, knowing they don’t have to work so hard to shield us.
Releasing the Burdens of the Past: Many protective parts are burdened by past experiences, carrying old beliefs that vulnerability is dangerous or shame is unbearable. Through IFS, we can help these parts release these burdens, freeing them to take on new, healthier roles in our lives.
Building New, Supportive Strategies: As our protectors relax, we can develop more effective ways of coping with insecurity. Rather than relying on perfectionism or avoidance, we can cultivate resilience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. This shift allows us to pursue growth, relationships, and opportunities with greater confidence and openness.
Embracing Our Whole Selves
Healing insecurities with IFS is a journey of self-compassion and self-discovery. By understanding and honoring the protectors within us, we can transform our relationship with vulnerability. Instead of fearing feelings of shame, helplessness, or rejection, we can learn to face these emotions with curiosity and resilience. Our protective parts no longer have to work so hard, and we can begin to approach life with a greater sense of freedom, wholeness, and peace.
Ultimately, IFS helps us see that we are more than our insecurities. By getting to know our protectors and accessing our Self, we can embrace our whole selves and navigate life with renewed strength and confidence.
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